When I was a young mother I collaborated on a writing project with a good friend of mine. Our working title was "What I wish I had Known: Stories of Motherhood." We compiled letters and thoughts from mothers of all ages on what they had learned over the years and would have loved to have known sooner. Ironically, that work was never published because the demands of motherhood overtook us when the project was just getting under way.
However, after 22 years of marriage I'm feeling contemplative and confessional. So, I began a series of writings on things I wish I had known sooner about marriage. This is my first confession....
I wish I had known to be supportive about allowing him time for his individual talents and pursuits when we were first married. I remember often being jealous of the time he spent working out, reading, studying, playing music, all of the undertakings that make him uniquely him. Here is an exerpt from my journal when we had been married 6 wks. Feel free to laugh at me, and, remember, I am only 18.
"I'm mad. Don's been into reading this series of books for the last little while....I just got him the second one in the series for his birthday....Today, he picked me up from work, helped me make the bed and switch the laundry, and now, he is reading away, to himself. It makes me so mad and hurt because watch, in like an hour he's going to say, 'Oh, it's time for me to go work out.' I dontknow what I'd rather he was doing, but i feel excluded."
What on earth? he was reading a book i bought him for his birthday? how could he be so selfish? Seriously, if I had know then that we would shortly be heading into a LONG season with little time for ourselves, I would have been a lot more proactive about helping him carve out that time. I wish I had known that books, and reading to his children for hours and hours, would be a hallmark of his fatherhood, not a reason to feel upset. I would have felt grateful that for all of the time he would spend reading to us, he took time to enjoy reading himself. Also, working out is what keeps him fit and fine. He has never gone over-board with it, why would i turn it into a problem. I wish I had provided that "personal growth" space for him more generously.
When I shared this memory with him, he laughed.
"You did not get upset about that stuff," he insisted.
"Oh, yes I did," I said.
"That is not normal," he replied.
"Yes it is. For an 18-year-old girl." Then I reconsidered my statement. "Well, I'll give you that it may be on the neurotic side of normal."
He laughed again. "That should be your title if you are writing anything about the early days of our marriage."
And, he's right. So, it makes me wonder, what behaviors am i perpetuating currently that walk that line on the neurotic side of normal? And, what am I doing now, that in years to come I will say, "I wish I had known...."?
How about you?
