I Can't Live Without You

Checking Facebook is a near-daily habit for me. But it's a platform I abandon periodically to give my activism, my ego, my trolls, and my growing doubts about the basic human decency a rest.

My Activism - Writing for Their Story is Our Story

My Ego - See what I did?

My Trolls - I let him know

My doubts about human decency - WTHELL? Do people who regularly use the phrase "fake news"
ever really check their own sources for fake news?

I haven't been on Twitter since last September when my husband and I ran the Twitter-feed photos and content for Business Fights Poverty in NYC.

SnapChat is a near-never distraction for me.

The platform I'd miss the most is Instagram.  As a not-so-well-known Utahn, Brigham Young, once said, "This is the place."  This is where I find myself following: My daughters' fashion posts, pictures of my grandbaby, other activists observations, and Trevor Noah.  What more do I need to say?

Mission

I met the Apostle Paul at the door today
He had a black eye and spoke gratitude for every word I said
Every morsel of sustenance I offered
He wept openly
Great rolling tears
Thanked me for helping him fill his mission today
He hopes he has the strength to accomplish it

Day 1 - 16 Hours of Silence

Quiet's Trial Run

The real first day of 16 hours begins this evening at 8 pm.  Today was a good exercise in something more than futility and less than success. Puppy play, phone calls, kids unaware of the clock, and other tests try your ability to remain silent for 16 hours straight.

You have the right to remain silent! Even with three teens and a puppy.

Observances 

1.  I REALLY like silence and charades in the morning better than whispering and talking, unless speaking is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for getting kids out the door.  Then, the fewer words the better. Charades with bleary-eyed teens first thing in the morning is THE BEST!

2.  The puppy is a great alarm clock for the girls. She storms into their rooms with all love and excitement, wakes them abruptly by rooting through their stuff, and greets them with a snuffle before she moves on to the next room. 

3. When I am not noisily nagging girls to get out the door (the lone boy left at home is good at getting upon his own) one of might miss the ride to the train. So sorry. Sure do love you. 

4.  I am going to be really glad for these silent hours during the next few days of helping Hannah during play rehearsals with 36 third-fifth graders.  I was there for two hours and left exhausted of voice and body. She stayed an hour longer and then had another play practice afterwards. She is amazing. I am tired. 

5.  Driving in silence, especially for trips beyond a few miles, is NOT my favorite. 

Meditation

For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.  --Matthew 12:37

1.  Some of my silence is filled with prayers for a the people very close to me unexpectedly facing the reality of their own mortality. 

2.  Also, prayers for fleas infesting a family-member's home. "Go in peace, little fleas." 

3.  A smiling meditation is in order for the drive home from the train and the morning walk with the puppy. 

Fails

1.  I used words to make sure one girl REALLY knew it was time to go. In 16 Hours of Silence, words should not be used in harsh tones.  Ugh!

2.  At 10:13 a.m. I totally forgot my experiment when I needed to make a phone call. I make the call,  talk for 15 productive minutes, then spend 10 more minutes distracted by the fact that I should have waited a few hours.  Total fail! Oh well. Return to silence. 

3.  Might as well make answer the phone call from my sister.  But, that's it. QUIET!

Note:  I decided some failure shouldn't mean all failure.  Don't throw the day away because I forgot my plan once or twice.  No "Go big, or go home" here. Just shut up and move on with the quiet. Like any difficult endeavor, don't give up 'cause you messed up. Failure is not defeat. 

Monty Python's Chanting Monks - imgur.com

Quotes of the Day

"Pi-e Jesu Domine, Dona eis requiem," Don chants around the kitchen like a demented monk from Monty Python. "I think that's what you're going to be doing all day. Does your experiment include chanting?" No, but now that you mention it.....

"Let's just watch the next episode, Mom can't tell us no," the oldest kid in the house says with a wry smile. I stand up and turn the TV off. 

"I get a drive to the train. Mom said." Uh, Mom said nothing

New Experiment

Today begins another experiment:
16 hours of silence, every day for 10 days (except Sunday, I get to rest from silence on Sunday. Plus, several hours of my Silent Time will be spent sleeping).

It brings a new focus on an old commandment. This one is number three:
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

Why?
If everyone is made in the image of God, speaking words "devoid of real worth" is breaking this commandment. Jesus said:

"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh."

I am preparing the abundance of my heart. Its kinda full of all sorts a crap right now. You should have heard me bag on Leo DiCaprio during the Oscars, just for fun out of the meanness of my heart. or, yell at all the drivers and say i wished i had trick tacks that could spit out of the sides of my car to impede them on their journey. This mouth speaks too much the HARD THINGS IN MY HEART. For 10 Days I will hold personal silence from 9 pm in the evening to 1 pm the following afternoon.

After 10 days, I will spend the remainder of the month with pure speech: no complaining, no gossiping, no angry words. See why I need 10 days of silence. I really, really need 10 days with 16 hours of silence a day to learn to measure my words.

Note: This experiment is not meant to be duplicated or judgey.  I'm just extreme in my personal experiments and my need for quirky means of observing common practices.  

Here are some of my not-so-silent to-dos for the next 10 days:

• Coordinate details for the play Hannah is student directing
• Get kids to and from rehearsal all for Broadway in Utah
• Train a puppy
• Prepare refugee sisters for their presentation at the UN
• Run through all presentations for the UN, decide on best moderation techniques
• Finalize all arrangements for UN trip
• Reach out to everyone I met in NY last trip and invite to our event, plan for attending theirs
• Help coordinate daily briefing for the trip 
• Figure out food for our events. Here's to dollar slice pizza. 
• Manage a family, run a life.

Never perfect, always trying. We'll see how it goes.

Rules of the Silence Experiment
1. Choose your 16 hours - Avoid excessive external stimulation: Music, radio, Other media. Provide space for your thoughts.

2. Tell all the people.

3. Don’t speak unless you are spoken to, or you need to train a puppy with love or correction.

4. When you do speak, choose words that are quiet and few. And then return to silence.

5. Go all Depeche Mode. Enjoy the silence. Notice your urges to speak. They will be far more common than you expect.

Sometimes you run....

Photo cred: stlouistrackclub.com 

Sometimes you run way faster than you have strength, mostly because you aren't a runner, so running strength is not your thing, and when the unrelenting pace carries on farther than you'd like (distance was never really your discipline either),  you fear the constant motion is the worst example you give your children around how to life a full life.  Except for maybe the soda drinking.  That's a pretty bad example, too.  But, how else's are you supposed to make it past the 9 a.m. slump every single day without a diet coke to get you through the race?

When you were in your twenties and thirties, people would ask how you stayed so fit. "First of all," you'd answer, "I am not fit.  I am probably one of the least fit people you know.  I'm just small, and that is not at all the same as being in shape."

"Fine," would come the response. "How do you stay 'small' then?"

"Do you see all these kids?" you ask, surveying the park where you've come to play.  "I chase them around all day."

You really only have 4 kids, but since you always wanted 8, there are often more children with you than just your own. The truth is, though, they are all really good, and while you do plenty of running around with them you do very little chasing. In fact, when you're at the park, you mostly do sitting and watching, reading and writing , and sometimes, playing and chasing. You see them now.  One on the swings. One high a top the swing set.  One on the jungle gym.  One on the roof of the play structure.  Friends are unaccounted for, but all around.

Someone points to the kid sitting on the top of the swing set, "Whose kid is that?" she asks in alarm.

"He's mine and he's okay.  I know, its scary when you first see him up there.  But, if you can't shake the worry, just avert your eyes."  

She doesn't look pleased with your answer and elects to leave the park rather than witness a disaster that never happens.

Anyway, you ran around with them your whole legal adulthood. Your first baby came when you were 21. Now that they are all teenagers, the running is a new kind of race, like a tag-team-relay that is done mostly in the car and in your mind.  Of course, these days there is a puppy, and you do literally chase her throughout the day.   Maybe her presence combined with the real, physical running is what makes you feel so  worn-out and unfit in your ability to keep up.  However, your life most days feels like the scripture in Luke 6:38, "pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing...."  While this scripture is preaching abundance and generosity it is not always comfortable. It often fills you with the "flight" part of the "fight or flight" response.  But, as you run you realize, for the wholehearted, there is no running away;  only toward, with, and through it all, even though speed and distance were never your thing. 

It's not what you say, it's how you say it...and, sometimes, it IS what you say

                          

"What are you doing? " I ask as my husband as he chops onions next to me in our joint-stirfry-making effort.

"I'm chopping the onions to sauté in the wok," he replies with a, "can't you see what I'm doing" tone.

"Oh.  Well, the carrots take so long you should really do those first."

"Okay, how about I do the carrots next and finish the onions now."

"Alright, but it goes quicker if you just do them slivered rather than diced."

"I've diced most of them already," he says as he finishes the job and moves on.

"Why are you doing it that way?" I ask as he starts making coins of carrots. I'm curious about his method.  Do they fry faster that way, is it faster to cut them like that?  i always chose long strips, he made a different choice.  It's interesting.  But, something in my tone, coupled with my direction from the conversation around the onions makes him defensive about my motives for asking.

"Look, do you want me to do a different job?" And echoes of my childhood resonate in my head as I realize, I have become my mother!  But I can't let it rest.  Now I am annoyed.

"No, I was just asking and you got all defensive.  I really just wanted to know why you chose that method.  Geez, why, can't we ever play nice  in the kitchen...."

I wonder.

The funny thing is, that as he was reading over this dialogue before I made it public fodder he asked, "when did this happen?  Was it a long time ago?"

I looked at him incredulously. 

"I mean, what house did we live in?"  he asked, as if I would give him an answer of "Years ago, when we were young.  Of course!"

I laughed out loud.  "Are you kidding me?  I think we probably have a conversation like this at least once a week, this one just happened to be the last time we made stir-fry."

Then he dug deeper, still with a laugh in his voice, so the conversation remained friendly, "It's funny because I never thought about it this way until you pointed it out.  But, do you see how you set me up? And, then, you realize your mistake, but you can't help but be defensive if I get defensive?"

Yes, I see. So, after countless repetitions of this type of communication around cooking and other touchy territory, I wish I had known how easy it is to sound peevish with the love of your life; that it's not what you say, it's how you say it; and, that over time, a habit of annoyance effortlessly becomes indignation, indignation turns to disdain, and disdain becomes contempt - and before you know it one of the four horsemen in the apocalypse of your once happy marriage is knocking at your door.   

However, like all habits, with careful discipline, snip and snap can be trained right out of your tongue, and with one conscious thought you can wipe that look right off of your face.  Personally, I'm still waiting for that to happen on a consistent basis. After 22 years of marriage, I still have to clarify that when I say something like, "what are you doing?"   it really is meant as a question, not an accusation.

So, how do I change this less-than-attractive side of myself?

1. Be honest about the problem.

When i began to examine my behavior in this area, i made a realization.  The first step in changing my tone, and expression, and interaction, as with any change I  want to make, is to recognize that what I am currently doing, or frequently doing, or sometimes doing, is MY problem.  So, the fact that i still have to clarify that my question, "what are you doing?" is really a question, belies the point that those words are not always so innocuous.  Even if his behavior is perplexing, annoying, or otherwise contradictory to my expectations, it's totally MY deal how I respond.

2.  Find a secret mentor.

The secret is, the person doesn't even know they are your mentor. All words begin with thought.  When you are feeling annoyed, think of someone you know who is famously kind and patient, then consider, "what would so-and-so say?".  I think of my neighbor down the street.  She has never said an unkind word to, or about, anyone in my presence.  And, while her standard may be higher than I can achieve, pausing to think of her before I shoot a zinging comment in my husband's direction always turns my tone around.

3. Be accountable.

Call on a confidant to share your resolution with.  Sometimes my little sister calls me to tell me say, "I'm not complaining all week," and that action alone helps her monitor the quality of her communications with all her loved ones.  

4. Begin again.

Sometimes when my kids are arguing and they say something in a rude tone to their sibling, I make them say it again in a nice way.  I can do the same thing. When I'm thoughtful about the words that just came out of my mouth and how they might have unintentionally come across, I can interrupt myself and say, "sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound...what I meant was...," and that tends to diffuse any misunderstanding about intent.

5.  Follow the golden rule.

In the end, there  is a lot to be said for the kind word and loving look, even when you don't feel like it.  The 'golden rule' is key here because it's never fun when the snip and snap are turned on you.  

What are your thoughts on this? What do you wish you had know abt tone and expression in your relationships?

I Wish I Had Known - The Neurotic Side of Normal

When I was a young mother I collaborated  on a writing project with a good friend of mine.  Our working title was "What I wish I had Known: Stories of Motherhood." We compiled letters and thoughts from mothers of all ages on what they had learned over the years and would have loved to have known sooner.  Ironically, that work was never published because the demands of motherhood overtook us when the project was just getting under way. 

However, after 22 years of marriage I'm feeling contemplative and confessional.  So, I began a series of writings on things I wish I had known sooner about marriage.  This is my first confession....

I wish I had known to be supportive about allowing him time for his individual talents and pursuits when we were first married.  I remember often being jealous of the time he spent working out, reading, studying, playing music, all of the undertakings that make him uniquely him.  Here is an exerpt from my journal when we had been married 6 wks.  Feel free to laugh at me, and, remember, I am only 18. 

"I'm mad.  Don's been into reading this series of books for the last little while....I just got him the second one in the series for his birthday....Today, he picked me up from work, helped me make the bed and switch the laundry, and now, he is reading away, to himself.  It makes me so mad and hurt because watch, in like an hour he's going to say, 'Oh, it's time for me to go work out.' I dontknow what I'd rather he was doing, but i feel excluded."

What on earth?  he was reading a book i bought him for his birthday?  how could he be so selfish?  Seriously, if I had know then that we would shortly be heading into a LONG season with little time for ourselves, I would have been a lot more proactive about helping him carve out that time.  I wish I had known that books, and reading to his children for hours and hours, would be a hallmark of his fatherhood, not a reason to feel upset. I would have felt grateful that for all of the time he would spend reading to us, he took time to enjoy reading himself.  Also, working out is what keeps him fit and fine.  He has never gone over-board with it, why would i turn it into a problem. I wish I had provided that "personal growth" space for him more generously.

When I shared this memory with him, he laughed.

"You did not get upset about that stuff," he insisted.

"Oh, yes I did," I said.

"That is not normal," he replied.

"Yes it is.  For an 18-year-old girl."  Then I reconsidered my statement.  "Well, I'll give you that it may be on the neurotic side of normal."

He laughed again.  "That should be your title if you are writing anything about the early days of our marriage."

And, he's right.  So, it makes me wonder, what behaviors am i perpetuating currently that walk that line on the neurotic side of normal? And, what am I doing now, that in years to come I will say, "I wish I had known...."? 

How about you?