I Wish I Had Known - The Neurotic Side of Normal

When I was a young mother I collaborated  on a writing project with a good friend of mine.  Our working title was "What I wish I had Known: Stories of Motherhood." We compiled letters and thoughts from mothers of all ages on what they had learned over the years and would have loved to have known sooner.  Ironically, that work was never published because the demands of motherhood overtook us when the project was just getting under way. 

However, after 22 years of marriage I'm feeling contemplative and confessional.  So, I began a series of writings on things I wish I had known sooner about marriage.  This is my first confession....

I wish I had known to be supportive about allowing him time for his individual talents and pursuits when we were first married.  I remember often being jealous of the time he spent working out, reading, studying, playing music, all of the undertakings that make him uniquely him.  Here is an exerpt from my journal when we had been married 6 wks.  Feel free to laugh at me, and, remember, I am only 18. 

"I'm mad.  Don's been into reading this series of books for the last little while....I just got him the second one in the series for his birthday....Today, he picked me up from work, helped me make the bed and switch the laundry, and now, he is reading away, to himself.  It makes me so mad and hurt because watch, in like an hour he's going to say, 'Oh, it's time for me to go work out.' I dontknow what I'd rather he was doing, but i feel excluded."

What on earth?  he was reading a book i bought him for his birthday?  how could he be so selfish?  Seriously, if I had know then that we would shortly be heading into a LONG season with little time for ourselves, I would have been a lot more proactive about helping him carve out that time.  I wish I had known that books, and reading to his children for hours and hours, would be a hallmark of his fatherhood, not a reason to feel upset. I would have felt grateful that for all of the time he would spend reading to us, he took time to enjoy reading himself.  Also, working out is what keeps him fit and fine.  He has never gone over-board with it, why would i turn it into a problem. I wish I had provided that "personal growth" space for him more generously.

When I shared this memory with him, he laughed.

"You did not get upset about that stuff," he insisted.

"Oh, yes I did," I said.

"That is not normal," he replied.

"Yes it is.  For an 18-year-old girl."  Then I reconsidered my statement.  "Well, I'll give you that it may be on the neurotic side of normal."

He laughed again.  "That should be your title if you are writing anything about the early days of our marriage."

And, he's right.  So, it makes me wonder, what behaviors am i perpetuating currently that walk that line on the neurotic side of normal? And, what am I doing now, that in years to come I will say, "I wish I had known...."? 

How about you?

The Luxury of Distraction

“Don't own so much clutter that you will be relieved to see your house catch fire.” 

― Wendell Berry, Farming: a hand book

                                             This is Vincent Van Gogh - In the Orchard

The following quotes are my husband's take on clearing clutter.

"The thing with clutter is that it collects everywhere and becomes this nebulous overwhelming feeling.  I think it's good to really focus.  If you think abt it, it could have taken years to accumulate all that stuff.  So, why do you have to clean it up all in one day?  Plan a space to clear, and discipline yourself to stay there for however long you decide, and get the job done.  I get a little neurotic when I start working somewhere and I'll have a few things that go into another room and then I go into the other room and I get distracted by what needs to be done there.  That's an inefficient way to do your work.  Choose your job and stick to it. 

"Clearing clutter is like surgical weight-loss.  You could have the surgery and drop the weight, but if you don't change your behavior, you will have the weight back again.  Same goes for all the extra stuff you accumulate and consume.  You may have a January clean out, or spring cleaning, or yard sale, but if you keep adding to the stuff in your house, you will always be overweight when it comes to the clutter around you.

"Genadeo, the gardener, comes back every year as a matter of course.  He goes from one tree to the next.  He knows exactly what his task is, and while he may note the other things in the orchard that need to be tended to, when he comes to prune, he just does the pruning."

So, I gleaned my new favorite mantra from all of my husband's clutter-clearing wisdom and it is this, "Don't allow yourself the luxury of distraction."

Get that?  Whatever your task:  Don't allow yourself the luxury of distraction.

You Can Do Anything for 15 Minutes

So, if January is generally a time of renewal and resolution, you may wonder why I'm still spending so much time talking about clearing out.  I think it's because the further I get in life the more I realize my brain is like a sponge, and there are temporary maximum capacities involved with what it can take in.  With teenagers, married kids and a little girl running around the house there are so MANY things I want to do and need to keep track of.  The more I get going on, the more I find myself forgetting important details.  And by important, I mean:

• I forgot I was supposed to take a meal to a friend in need, even though I just volunteered to do it a few days ago.  
• Visitors showed up at my door and I completely spaced that they were scheduled to come by at all.  
• I skipped dental appointments for the whole family because I made them a while ago, didn't get a reminder call soon enough, and it didn't even occur to me I was supposed to be somewhere.  

These are the things that happen when the psychic clutter is reaching a breaking point.  So, to manage it all, sometimes I need to squeeze out the sponge and make room for new input.  You might ask, "Why don't you just get a better calendar system?"  And, to that I would say, "Brilliant idea!"  But, I prefer to take a more abstract, metaphorical approach.  I always hope that maybe purging some of the clutter will make room for something more...namely cognitive coherence about things that are important to me and feeling more connected generally.

The irony about this morning's post is that I am awake early on Saturday morning.  The house is quiet and everyone else is sleeping.  And, I, rather than doing the work of clearing clutter in my life, am WRITING about clearing clutter.  This is procrastination.  However, I shouldn't feel too bad because one of my sisters recently told me that sometimes doing housework is just her way of procrastinating the work of WRITING.  Either way, I should get on with today's tip, so I can actually DO THE WORK.

Follow this image link, it's a good one.

Last time we cleared flat surfaces and learned about our magic three containers.  Today, I only have one trick to share, and it is called:

Beat the timer.  Or, You can do anything for 15 minutes.  

I am never so competitive as when a timer or deadline is in place.  Sometimes, when it's time to pick up the house before Dad gets home or clean up after dinner, I challenge my kids to a race.  We split up the tasks that need to be done and whoever finishes first gets a reward. If they beat me, I promise to do their next small chore for them.  If I beat them I get to sit out during the next short cleaning session.  It's awesome to see how quickly we can all work to accomplish our task.

Similarly, if I set a timer for myself, especially if it is for some short time, like 15 minutes, I will work quickly and without distraction to finish my task.  The timer even works for large clutter clearing jobs.  Often, on weekends, my husband gets serious about doing big household projects.  Ironically, the weekend is not my favorite time to do the monumental tasks.   And, I find myself empathizing with kids who continually ask during such a task "How much longer are we going to be doing this?"  His answer used to be, "Until we're finished."  But, I think he got tired of our whining, so now, OUR solution is to portion out the big job into lots of smaller tasks. This is system work, which he is really good at.  Though our total work time will inevitably be much longer than 15 minutes, we still set a time limit, and we find that accomplishing smaller tasks within the larger job keeps us motivated as we go.  Treats and bribes work well, too.  Work for an hour, get a drink from the gas station (I'll do a lot for a half-caf diet coke with lots of ice.) Finish another hour and we all go to lunch or the movies or get to have friends over or whatever else works.  For the record, he doesn't completely OWN this system yet, he'd still rather just power through until the job is done, but knows it works well for those of us with less focus.

Now GO!  Set a timer. Pick a shelf, or a drawer, or a Christmas tree that is de-ornamented but still has it's lights on it (i don't know why i thought of that one because it's the end of January and only Christmas Crazies still have that sort of stuff still up) and get the job done.

The Complexities of Simplicity

Albert Einstein once said, "Out of clutter, find simplicity," but I don't think he was remarking on any of the drawers or closets where I keep mine. 

Over the years I have come up with a couple of quick clutter tricks that help me at least have the appearance of clean.  I will only share ideas that do not make me a hypocrite.  In other words, I won't suggest something I haven't been willing to do in twenty plus years of keeping my own house.  Though, my husband is way more organized than I am, so I might share his thoughts in a later post.     

So, my first two clutter cutting tips for you are these:

1. Clear flat surfaces first

If a room is messy, start your clutter control by removing all of the junk from the largest flat surface first.  In a bedroom it's usually the bed.  Clear it, make it and move on.  The momentum will propel you to the next largest flat space, the dresser.  In the kitchen, it's the usually one of the counters, or the table.  Clear the largest flat space first and then move on. Look and see what a difference it makes.  Now your rule is not to allow clutter to creep back to your flat spaces. I'm not asking you to tackle drawers and closets today, just one big flat space.

A clean room when just looking at large, flat surfaces.

This is all going on behind the chair, but you don't notice it because the bed and all the other flat spaces are clean.

2. Use three bags for your clutter clearing task

One of my biggest problems in tackling clutter is my propensity for getting sidetracked.  Finding a home for everything WHILE I'm clearing a space is a serious temptation.  Instead of leaving my work space, on the distracted pretense of putting things away  I find I get the task done faster if I have the following containers with me:

• 1 For stuff that goes in another space - I don't put it away until I'm done with my task
• 1 For stuff I are going to give away/sell - the thought of a yard sale is abominable to me, I bag it all up and send it off to the local thrift store, and NEVER think about it again. 
• 1 For garbage - 'nough said.

Remember, don't leave your space until the job is done, or for 15 minutes, whichever comes first.

So, go to it and find your simplicity, my friend. Then again, Einstein also is alleged to have said:  

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to think of an empty desk?”

Hmm.  The complexities of simplicity.

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

Life's most persistent and urgent question is: 

'What are you doing for others?'

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Origins

Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday has been celebrated, presumably, every year since his birth.  But, it wasn't until 1983 that Ronald Reagan signed it into law as an official federal holiday.  By the year 2000, all of the states finally adopted the holiday.  Some of the reported reluctance for officially observing his birthday comes from stigma around his socialist political leanings, along with other questions about his character.  However, I believe that God inspires and lifts men and women through the flawed lives of other men and women.  Martin Luther King, Jr., flaws and all, gave voice and courage to the oppressed and marginalized.  He exemplifies the power of one, strengthened by many, and the power of peace in the face of hatred and violence.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to reflect on his life and accomplishments and to ponder the idea that you can not kill the dream by slaying the dreamer.

Note: First, I trust you are able to find recipes and activities that suit your pantry and family needs all over the internet.  Generally, I will not include them here except in the resource links.  Also,  we have always taken our cues for food and fun on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day from the following bit in an article from the Knoxville News:

“The parlor was a very special room,” says Williams, explaining that business and community meetings took place here, in addition to choir rehearsals and pastoring. The six-bedroom home speaks of middle-class comfort. Upholstered furniture, handsomely carved tables, lamps, knickknacks and photographs. “King’s mother had a housekeeper,” says Williams, as we enter the kitchen and laundry area. Appliances and table settings reflect the 1930s and 1940s. A favorite meal was the Sunday feast of fried chicken, collard greens, black-eyed peas and corn bread.

We wander by King’s bedroom, where a ball and bat rest near games and other toys. King enjoyed playing baseball, football and basketball. He rode his bicycle and roller skates through the neighborhood. Family time meant a game of Monopoly and Old Maid cards. King took piano lessons, but did not like to practice."1

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/cider-brined-fried-chicken-recipe/index.html

Food

A feast of Southern favorites - fried chicken, fried okra, collard greens, black-eyed peas, buttermilk biscuits, pecan and sweet potato pie, layered chocolate velvet cake.

Festivities

Play family games,  like Monopoly, Old Maid, Gold Fish.  Sometimes, I create a trivia game based on Martin Luther King and the civil rights movement.  I found one online, here:

http://www.cyberlearning-world.com/nhhs/project/trivia1.htm

Observances

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "Life's most persistent and urgent question is: 'What are you doing for others?'"  We plan service on or around all of the birthdays in our home.  Usually, Gordon and I give blood or work in a neighbor's yard.  for the kids' birthdays, we do harvest and holiday service. To truly honor Martin Luther King, Jr. and the day, organize a service project to be completed before the month's end.

Watch or read excerpts from his famous speeches.  In addition to I Have A Dream, family favorites include the following - 

I've Been to the Mountaintop

I especially love the themes of being in a place and time and doing the work we are meant to do because we are preserved and directed by God.  You have to read the whole thing to get the "traveling through time," portion, and the "if I had sneezed" insight.  In the end, Dr. King gives a pre-farewell speech.  It doesn't matter what happens now, he has been to the mountain top and has seen the promised land...beautiful!

Excerpt from the speech -  

"Well, I don't know what will happen now; we've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter to with me now, because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life–longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain.  And I've looked over, and I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you.  But I want you to know tonight that we, as a people, will get to the Promised Land.  And so I'm happy tonight; I'm not worried about anything; I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord."8

How Long, Not Long otherwise known as, Our God is Marching On

My favorite quote from this speech is, "How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."  Here's a longer excerpt-

"I know you are asking today, "How long will it take?" Somebody’s asking, "How long will prejudice blind the visions of men, darken their understanding, and drive bright-eyed wisdom from her sacred throne?" Somebody’s asking, "When will wounded justice, lying prostrate on the streets of Selma and Birmingham and communities all over the South, be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men?" Somebody’s asking, "When will the radiant star of hope be plunged against the nocturnal bosom of this lonely night, plucked from weary souls with chains of fear and the manacles of death? How long will justice be crucified, and truth bear it?"

I come to say to you this afternoon, however difficult the moment, however frustrating the hour, it will not be long, because "truth crushed to earth will rise again."

How long? Not long,  because "no lie can live forever." 

How long? Not long, because "you shall reap what you sow."

How long? Not long: 

Truth forever on the scaffold,

Wrong forever on the throne,

Yet that scaffold sways the future,

And, behind the dim unknown,

Standeth God within the shadow,

Keeping watch above his own.

How long? Not long, because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.

How long? Not long, because:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord; 

He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored; 

He has loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword; 

His truth is marching on. " 3

But If Not, otherwise known as, Transformed Nonconformists

I love this paragraph, click the link for the whole text.

"The courage of three Hebrew boys - Shadrack, Meshach and Abednego is still a challenge to us today.  The King Nebuchadnezzar had ordered that all were to bow down and worship the golden image.  But there stood in the midst three Hebrew boys who were determined not to bow down and serve the golden image, and they said to the king, "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us, but if not, we will not bow. "  who today can stand up and refuse to bow in a crowd where everybody else is bowing." 4

Resources:

1. http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2008/jan/13/atlanta-neighborhood-commemorates-childhood-civil-/

2. http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/ive_been_to_the_mountaintop/ 

3. http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/kingpapers/article/our_god_is_marching_on/

4. http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/primarydocuments/Vol6/Nov1954TransformedNonconformist.pdf

Dealing with the Mail In Your Life

No...it's not a typo.  I'm not referring to your husband, boyfriend or troublesome brother.  I'm talking about the post,  and the clutter it inevitably brings, muddling your mind and overwhelming your ability to cope.

I actually have a phobia of the mail box.  Even when I'm expecting something great to come, and especially during the holidays.  

As I hit the "create" button for the new blog, I hear a pounding and a kick on the back door.

"Oh, that's Caleb, I just sent him to get the mail." I say to his sisters, hurrying to open the door.

The door opens and envelopes fall all over the floor.  Plus, both of this poor boy's arms of are overflowing with weekly adds and other proliferous papers.  First world problems.  I know.  Google it.

"Did you drop any on the road?" I ask.  The mail box is far down our dirt road.

"Yeah, like 3 times," is his surly response.

I laugh at the sight of mail falling from his arms to the table to the floor.  I'm not helping.

Still stifling a snicker, I say, "I'm sorry.  I should have sent you with a bag."

"How about..." I detect restraint in his halting, measured tone. "When we haven't checked the mail for like 3 months, we don't send one kid...by himself... to get it." 

What I don't say is this. "You know I am actually afraid of the mail box.  Do you know why?  Because it contains all the trappings of adult responsibility, paired with other peoples' junk I don't know what to do with (we recently moved), bills and notices and reminders of all the stuff I need to do and all the details I hate to deal with.  So, if I only get it every few weeks, it's like it's not there. I owe you an appology because this is my failing as a mom.  Failing to get paper under control.  Also, failing to teach you and your sibling, by example, how to get paper under control.  Nevermind actually attending to the business of each item.  It's bad, but I hate sorting through mail.  I much prefer denial."  

Instead I say, "You're right, Caleb.  I'm sorry."

He walks away.

Minutes later he returns, smiling and talking about getting ready to go to his play.  If only all frustrations and failings were so easily forgiven and forgotten.

And, in case you are wondering, this story does have a point.  If you, are like me with an aversion to mail and papery clutter, you need to make a new ritual.  Once a week (if you can get away with it because most of your bills are automated and nobody really sends you anything so pressing), clear your schedule for a good 30 minutes and take the following steps.  There are only five of the because after that, I lose interesting any process more complicated: 

1.  Make a strong cup a joe (that's hot cocoa, or diet coke on ice, in Utah)

2. Say some positive affirmations, give yourself a stirring pep talk, and go check the mail.  "I fee peace with every piece of mail I encounter...om..."

3.  Bring the mail in, sort what you can immediately into the shredder/recycle bin. Or, in our case, we are pyros and like to burn paper clutter.

4.  Make every phone call about things you have to follow up on, right now!

5.  File (that is a vile four letter word in my book) what you may need to attend to later, and then don't think about it again for another week.  Keep only items that you would be required to show as proof of payment, receipt,  or in case of audit.  

NOTE: If you call someone with questions, note the person's name and details of the conversation on the piece of mail, then put it away for future reference.  

Lifehacker has a great list of what to keep and what to get rid of, here:

http://lifehacker.com/5977082/what-documents-should-i-shred-and-what-should-i-keep

The photo above comes from a great article abt downsizing your mail on your computer's inbox: 

http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2013-07-11/e-mail-in-box-clutter-an-appreciation

Clearing the Clutter

                                        

Hey...I'll show you mine if you show me yours.  And, then, you know what would happen...you'd feel grateful  and not so lonely about the stuff you keep carefully closed-up in closets, in tightly packed drawers and underneath the bed.  

Or, maybe, if you saw all my hidden clutter, you'd respond like a friend of mine with, "Mariah, what is the underlying meaning of all this stuff you keep buried away in the recesses of every room in your house?"  And, I'd have to say, "Hey, no deep waters here.  What you see is what you get.  Pretty much an unwillingness to deal with details I find overwhelming and under-motivating....What?" 

Every kid in our family was born in November or December. As part of our family culture, we have always had a very full, rich round of traditions during those months, as well, observing everything from Martinmas and St. Nicholas Day, to Hanukkah and Solstice, along with all the usual festivities.  So, after the binge of  holiday good cheer and good will, January's everyday observances deal a lot with purging and pruning.

Before I get into any of the details of how we do the job of the January clear out, let me first say this.  Remember the metaphor of pruning the orchard?  Do you think any of those trees out there feel bad about themselves because they over grew and needed to be trimmed back?  No!  Have they been sulking about  how they wish they could just remember not to grow so much or leave so many limbs laying around year after year?  No!  They are happy trees undergoing their natural transformation.  So, the next time you start to feel crappy about any extra junk you may have laying around, think of the trees, let go of any  bad vibes you have about all of your stuff, and move on with clearing out.